Happy Cat...Happy Cat...Please Don't Poke Me in the Eye Again....

So I’ve been thinking I was kinda sad…so I decided to watch a chic flick that has some scenes that make you cry and then comes full circle with a semi happy ending…The Time Travelers Wife…That sounds like it will make me have a good cry. Let me explain…I won’t just cry for no reason…when everything feels like shit I have to plan a sit down and watch a movie or read a book that has some feel good mushy stuff so that I can channel my sorrow through the movie and then move on. Yeah I know it’s mental…but it works.

So I sit down and prepare for my cry session. My wonderful husband has created a network and has saved movies so that we can watch the movies and shows whenever we feel the inkling. So I go through the process of finding the movie…The Time Travelers Wife. I’ve prepared myself and I’m ready to purge… The show keeps getting stuck and I try several times to restart the movie, only to get more frustrated. I could have gotten up and reset the server, but by this time I’m frustrated…(did I mention that I'm selectively lazy)...and now I don’t want to cry anymore…I want to yell at someone… oh just go fuck off!

Realizing that that desire has no happy ending here at home… I decide to go for a bike ride and then watch Tosh.o and read some of Sarah Silverman’s new book. Cynicism and raw humor can also be a temporary cure for the uneasy soul. Reminder to self…tape the word “find a well paying job” to the perpetual waving cat. As I ponder my words…I find myself looking at the cat…just waving at me. Is she mocking me, waving goodbye or waving me forward as to ask me “come closer, no closer, no even closer retard” until I am nose to almost nose with this golden inanimate creature that we have half heartedly decided to add to our eclectic home décor as a reminder not to take ourselves or anything else so seriously …Oh and what the hay…. We taped “win megabucks” to it… Right then she poked me in the eye, as to say, “Stop acting like an idiot and go do something productive, you fucking moron”.

Oh how I miss my high stress career working in a male dominated field of construction. That is what I miss…whenever I was pissed I could cuss like a truck driver and tell one of my cohorts to just go fuck off. Can’t do that at home…my little piglets and monkeys (kids = piglets…dogs = monkeys, although sometimes the dogs=piglets too when I humanize them as my kids)… would probably be traumatized…I cuss to the air at my frustration…but there’s nothing like telling someone to fuck off and then not having to bear the brunt of a retaliation or negative consequence.

Well my son mentioned that he reset the server, so I reschedule my purging session and watched the show...Yes it relieved a little of the sadness.

Enough to watch "Shudder Island" next.

A great combo...happy, sad, intrigued, scared, psychotic...whew...I'm good now. :)

So Go Fuck off Happy Cat!

The Missing Watch...Jimmy Kimmel's Little Sis Must of Have Done it!

II just knew I left my watch on my dresser! My sister took it...or one of her friends...I just know it!

Yep that was me somewhere around 19 or 20 years old. My little sister was 9 years younger. Her best friend at the time was this little pain in the ass, Jill Kimmel. I didn't know much of her or her family except that they lived down the street and my sister was always hanging out over there. Those pesky little kids were always up to some sorta conniving. And I don't remember ever thinking they were very funny at all, ever.

One day as I was searching for one of my beloved Swatch watches in my bedroom. I had quite a selection. One in particular was missing... And the first thing I thought of was my sister or one of her little friends took it! I ranted about it, hoping to scare my sister into a confession, but to no avail. My precious watch had been ripped from my possession so swiftly. As I mourned for my Swatch Watch I boiled with anger and finally landed on a perfect candidate for my resentment! That Jill Kimmel did it, I just know it!

I was sure that Jill took my watch. But my sister swore neither of them took it. What could I do...I thought of some sorta torture, but that would land me in trouble with my mom or her parents, for sure! I had been duped by this Jill Kimmel gal...and I couldn’t do anything about it!

Many weeks later as I was rummaging through the top drawer of my dresser, I found that damn watch...it had fallen or had been brushed into the top drawer unbeknown to me!

I had to eat crow...damn it! Now I couldn’t resent my sister or that Jill Kimmel!

She remained forever on my mind as one of those valuable lessons in life.

Some years later I learned that Jill was the sister of Jimmy. Jimmy Kimmel. Who would have figured that you could live a few houses down from one of the funniest guys around and never know it! I had no idea. Jill was also some sort of comedian herself. I found her on Facebook and MySpace and stalked her for a few minutes. I found out she was quite funny and adorable!...It must run in the family. I must have not seen the signs of a budding comedian at the time...but then again I was really only concerned about me… and my Swatch Watch of course!

Now, every time I think to accuse someone of something...I think about this story and I remind myself of the infamous Jill Kimmel!
:)

How Do You Say That....? Like JackAss, But without the Jack!

I get the biggest kick out of my new name...Asselin. I love to watch people in general, but I especially like to watch them struggle with the notion to call this beautiful amazon goddess an Ass...elin. Most can't look me in the eye and say it. They will turn their eyes to the ground or away and mispronounce it. I look at them and say, "It's like Ass, I know, it's funny!" Some people look at me like I'm nuts and others smile, as if to say, "Ah look at her, she's retarded, she doesn't know she has a funny name."

When I told my ex-husband, he laughed, "What did you say? Ass licker?" I imagined him being one of Beavis or Butthead, probably the latter. But it was funny and I just adore it! I get the biggest kick out the snickers, so that I can repeat in a Beavis and Butthead voice, "Ahhh, she said Ass...Ahhhh ahhhh!"

It's memorable and funny! I know people remember me when they meet me and that's the point!

Once in a while I meet someone who isn't afraid to say Ass. I look them in the eye and there's a slight smile, like they get it. That's when I know it's perfect!

I used to be "AB", Then I was "A to Z" and now I'm "A Squared". It fits with the Squared Pig thing, and the fact that I'm a math wiz and the fact that I'm at the top, times two! It's the name of my business!

I have since created pottery cups that have the "AssMan" logo on them, but I made one especially for me....Mrs. AssMan! :)

Square Pig, Round Hole....An idiomatic Expression is Born

Ah, the story of the misquoted idiomatic expression..."Can’t fit a square peg in a round hole."


Well, I could start at the beginning of the end...how appropriate, as everything that ends has a beginning.


He was not very clever, he was one dimensional, he was strong, he was a fire fighter. Every woman fantasizes about the hero, coming to her rescue, right?


Well, Tony was an unknowing victim of my twisted sinicism, disguised as angelic innocent humor.

How could he know that I was actually a very bright, clever and calculating woman that would creep into his soul and rip out his heart, only to get bored and discover he was not a very deserving recipient of my desires and/or love? Harsh, ay?


Oh, I didn’t start out with any ill ideas. As always I thought I was in love. I tried to overlook his lack of depth and his ability to have any type of intelligent conversation or thought.


He was so insecure and held so tight to me, that I soon couldn’t breathe. I imagined I was the little mouse in the pocket of Lenny Small (Of Mice and Men), soon to be petted and kept so tight in hand and pocket, that I would smother and die. I tried to understand and calm his woes of someone coming and sweeping me away, but to no avail. He was just this way and I could not put to rest his insecurities.


I would often remind him of the song by 38 special, “Hold on Loosely”, but he never got it.


He had often misquoted common sayings and I would try to overlook them, saying to myself…but he’s strong, he’s a firefighter, he can save me if I happen to be trapped in a building that's on fire.


He used the saying, “Nip it in the butt” often. I gently explained, “It’s a gardening analogy, Nip it in the bud. It means to remove the bud, so as not to let something continue that will fester into something that isn’t productive”. (How ironic! or is this foreshadowing?)


He said, “What are you talking about?” He was clueless. I left it alone.


I did share these moments with a few of my closest friends when I knew this relationship was a futile endeavor. I suppose that's when I became the twisted sinicist.


One day he had had enough, he had texted me and I didn’t reply within the 5 or 10 minutes that I had been roped to believing was my window of opportunity to please him.

So he proceeded to tell me that we should part, as I didn’t hold him at a high enough importance. Mind you I was in a 4 hour meeting with my phone turned off and this behavior didn’t sit well with him.


I finally just replied, "Ok."


I later got home and was casually reading my emails; I noticed an email from him. I was tired and I really didn’t want to deal with the drama, but I opened it anyway. He went on and on and finally made the decision, again, to break up with me and then followed the break up with a quote, “I guess you can’t fit a square pig in a round hole”.


I started laughing. I said to myself… Am I the pig…. I know I’ve gained 10 pounds in the past few months, but I don’t think that constitutes me being a pig…
a SQUARE I get, but a Square Pig, now that’s fucking classic.

I have to say that I'm sure that it was never intended to be an insult, it's just how my brain works. I always have to laugh at things that have the potential of being hurtful. And I definitely have to be the first one to laugh at myself.

So the saying was born and I love it…it fits to a Tee. A Square Pig, Round Hole

I suppose he could have said A square pig...round HO...now that would have been just plain mean...but it still would have been funny too, maybe even more so!



:)